Don't mention the war!
The second of the host nations has an even weaker team than Switzerland. An assortment of mulleted no-marks that are so clueless there were petitions in favour of withdrawing from the tournament rather than showing themselves up in front of Europe.
Five Famous Belgians
Adolf Hitler - mono-bollocked Nazi war-mongerer and reportedly a touch anti-semitic. Not much cop as a painter either.
Josef Fritzel - another wrong 'un. Imprisoned his daughter for over twenty years, raping her and fathering seven children with her. After her escape, claimed he had planned on releasing her soon as he no longer fancied her. That's alright, then.
Rosemarie Fritzel - wife of Josef and either an inhuman monster compliant with the crimes of her husband, or Europe's Daftest Cunt. Trips to Asda must have been a strange affair; "Josef, why are you buying all of these rusks for?" "Erm, I have been smoking joints late and I get the munchies, you know? A ha ha!" "Oh, ja, that makes sense when you explain it like that."
Falco - eighties pop star who scored a worldwide hit with his 1986 smash hit "Rock me Amadeus". Died in 1998 after being hit by a bus. It's not known if he was a heavy smoker or not.
Kurt Waldheim - distinguished Austrian diplomat and politican who served as President from 1986 to 1992. It probably comes as no surprise to learn that he served as a Nazi officer during the Second World War. Honestly, what are this lot like?
Disgruntled Algerians annoyed by the "Anschluss" World Cup '82 fixture against West Germany, Hans Krankl doing something or other, that cove in the Benny hat from The Faeroe Islands, footage of "So Long, Farewell" from The Sound of Music.
Fresh from ruining the summer for English lager enthusiasts and vendors of England-related tat, Slaven Bilic's gingham army make the short trip to Austria with their best side since the 1998 World Cup semi-finalists.
Five Famous Belgians
Goran Ivanisevic - beanpole mentalist tennis player. Good serve on him
Arkan - Some say warlord, others say war criminal. Either way, he killed a lot of chaps.
Monica Seles - grunting, stab-victim female tennis player.
Gavrilo Princip - political activist and hothead. Started World War I by assassinating Franz Ferdinand. If only somebody would shoot fucking Coldplay!
Tito - Communist President of Yugoslavia for about fifty years or something. One of the few Croatians to oppose the Nazis during WWII and, more importantly, kept the Yugoslavian nation together, thus giving the UK a sporting chance in the Eurovision Song Contest without all these moon-man countries voting for each other's rotten songs. Really, who can tell one of these countries from the other? Not me!
Bilic getting sent off versus France, Paul Robinson letting it bobble over his foot, Scott Carson letting it slip under his body, an ethnic cleansing.
What to say about Germany without descending into hackneyed cliches and national stereotypes? You can never write them off, as they play with ruthless efficiency while looking determined and well-organised. Towels on sun loungers, bombed chip shops et cetera, et cetera. Basically, after a creditable performance at World Cup 2006, they'll almost certainly get to the semi-finals here and could very well win the tournament.
Five Famous Belgians
Oskar Schindler - businessman and Dudley Do-right, saved a bunch of Jews in WWII by building a massive wooden boat or something. I didn't watch the film. A 1993 film I did see, however, is Body of Evidence. It's great, you see Madonna's tits, bum, fanny, the lot. Recommended!
Ludwig van Beethoven - possibly the greatest composer of classical music, like, ever. All the more remarkable given the fact that he was deaf, having cut off his ear when pissed up on absinthe after his lass chucked him.
Michael Schenker - hard rock guitarist, regarded by most as the natural successor to Beethoven. Has thrilled millions of rock fans across the globe with his balls-out brand of widdly-widdly guitar based rock. Rock!
Nico - glacially beatiful model and part-time singer with the Velvet Underground. Probably slept with more musicians than she had hot dinners. Having sampled the creative hothouse environment of Warhol's Factory, what could be a more fitting destination than a bedsit in Salford, shacked up with John Cooper Clarke, taking loads of smack? Died in Ibiza after falling off her bike.
Martin Luther - olden days churchy-type, famous for inventing the Protestant religion and encouraging people to burn down the homes of Jews. His most notable speech contained the oft-repeated "I have a dream" quotation, said dream consisting of a version of christianity with none of that shit about divorce and celibacy for priests, and the smell of burning synagogues on the morning breeze.
Geoff Hurst lashing home the fourth goal, Gerd Muller and his stumpy legs, Andy Moeller looking cunty after winning the penalties in '96, Lothar Matthaus looking strident in '90
Poles! They're everywhere these days, aren't they? Whether they're working damn hard on our building sites, administer sordid, dispassionate handjobs in squalid backstreet massage parlours, appearing in jokes by deceased funnyman Rodney Dangerfield or selling overpriced, fatty meat products on our high streets, you can't move without bumping into our Polack cousins. But what of their footballers? Well, despite being depleted by Germany nicking all their best players, they have qualified for their second consecutive major tournament. British observers may be most familiar with hun-baiting "Holy Goalie" Artur Boruc, infamous for crossing himself in a provocative manner in front of Rangers supporters and sporting a t-shirt with the slogan "Archbishop Rowan Williams can suck my fat cock".
Five Famous Belgians
Pope John Paul II - The original holy goalie, the former pontiff was a teenage apprentice at Real Madrid, before abandoning the game to try his hand at saving souls, not goals. Reportedly very good at handling crosses etc etc...
Lech Walesa - former trade union leader turned politician. His Solidarity union was a major thorn in the side of Poland's communist government, with their demands for legalised trade unions, greater social freedoms, free elections and longer tea breaks and soft toilet paper for shipyard workers. Was the custodian of one of Eastern Europe's finest moustaches, a luxuriant walrus-type effort.
Nicolaus Copernicus - astronomer from the 1400s who first scientifically showed that the sun is the centre of the solar system, not the earth, like the fools in the Church thought. A clever cove. Coincidentally, an answer on the quiz machine in the pub the other night, hence his inclusion here.
Marie Curie - double Nobel Prize winning scientist, famed for discovering two elements, polonium and radium, although it is probable that her husband Pierre Curie did most of the actual work, with Marie most likely limited to making cups of tea and writing down measurements on a clipboard. As well as her scientific achievements, Curie was a renowned slag, sleeping with married men and generally putting it about like a tupenny whore.
Ray Manzarek - keyboard wizard of Polish descent, Manzarek's tinklings are the sole saving grace of indulgent, overblown LA rock bores The Doors. Manzarek also managed to keep his cock in his pants while onstage, unlike the band's long-haired scruffy herbert frontman Jim Morrison.
Jan Tomaszewski keeping England at bay in '73, Lineker sticking a hat-trick past them in '86, Hitler invading in '39.
Johnny Two-Feathers' Verdict
Um heap tight group. Much history between rival tribes. Bad medicine ahoy. At end of um day, heap foolishness to write off Germans. Proud braves have they. Croatia may just have too much in um locker for Poland. Austria will stink up um tournament like buffalo shit on um moccasin.