Monday, June 16, 2008



Any enterprising zookeeper who gambles on games on the basis of dressing two chimps in the colours of the competing teams and backing the teams whose chimp is first to fling its shit around."

"ANIMAL KNOCKOUT: It's all over for Germany — if you believe the animals at the zoo in the city of Chemnitz, Germany.
Baileys, a Goeldi's monkey, has picked host Austria to beat Germany in its final Group B match on Monday. That outcome would consign the former champions to their third straight first round exit.
The monkey chose between raisins representing Germany and Austria. Scientific it isn't, but Baileys' fellow zoo dwellers have a 2-0 record so far.
Leon the porcupine correctly picked a German win over Poland, while an Arctic fox forecast Thursday's loss to Croatia."

As the respected author, journalist and political analyst Richard Littlejohns would have it, "You couldn't make it up!"

Friday, June 13, 2008

Group D

Group D


The quiet one.


Surprise winners last time make a return to major competition, having missed out on qualification for the last World Cup. Lacking the element of surprise, having a difficult group and an ageing squad, it would appear that the odds are against the moussaka-munchers having to fork out for new crockery in 2008.

Five Famous Belgians

Alexander the Great - Ancient Greek king who was descended from a long line of top blokes. His father was Alexander the Skill, his grandfather, Alexander the Lush and his "great"-grandfather was, of course, Alexander the Fucking Gent. One of the good guys.

Plato - philosopher, mathematician and all-round brainbox from the olden days. Hung around with Socrates and Aristotle, coming up with doctrines and playing pool. Also invented the Platonic relationships, wherein a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you can borrow money off of you and generally moan about stuff. You can also watch "Friends" with her.

The Duke of Edinburgh - not a scotch, as the title implies, actually a consort/husband of the Queen of England, Elizabeth II:Electric Boogaloo. Has now been married to the boot-faced old sourpuss for over sixty years, so fair play to him for that, although there were rumours that he was banging bitches by the dozen back in the day behind our glorious monarch's back, possibly while she was out at the bingo. As well as his numerous charitable works, Phillip is best known for his small-minded, prejudiced bigotry with regard to people from other nations and his casual use of insulting epithets for those that cross his path.
(Thank you, Mr Pot - Glass-house Stone-throwing Ed).

Zeus - the king of the ancient Greek gods and therefore the best and most holy of their deities and the one that all Greek people want to be most like. Spent most of his time playing away from home, shagging young laddies and getting women pregnant. A notable progeny of such an affair was Perseus, whose mother, Danae, is said to have conceived after being visited by Zeus, who materialised as a shower of gold from a cloud. Brushing aside Danae's rather floral interpretation, it seems most likely that Zeus deposited his seed in the normal way then concluded the proceedings by hosing her down with his sticky golden god-piss. The dorty bastard.

Archimedes - another famous mathematician. They loved their hard sums, the Ancient Greeks. They must have had some great scores on "Countdown" in them days. Archimedes is best known for the store whereby he discovered the principle of displacement when he got into the bath and a load of water overflowed. He then ran naked through the streets shouting "Eureka!". What is less well-known is that his wife called him a "Fucking twat!" for ruining the bathroom carpet and a little old lady called him a "Pervert!" for running past her with his lad out.

Showreel Shorthand

Charisteas getting the winner in 2004, some coves smashing plates and that, John Travolta giving it laldy.


Fortuitous qualifiers after bottling it against Israel only to profit from Steve McClaren's brand of ginger uselessness. Their efforts will be hampered by the fact that their best player, Arshavin, is suspended for two games. Having played in numerous tournaments as the USSR, and English pundits constantly referring to them as "the Russians" it is good to see David Pleat now refers to the Russian team as "the Soviets", the muddle-headed old kerb-crawler.

Five Famous Belgians

Stalin - man of Steel and leader of the USSR during World War II. Played a key role in the military defeat of Hitler, then set about his work of killing jews with an even greater ruthlessness and efficacy. A bad egg.

Rasputin - mad monk and lover of the Russian Queen. Reportedly Russia's greatest love machine. Following an attempted assassination by poisoning, his enemies eventually shot him until he was dead. Which is the correct amount of shooting to do when killing somebody. Oh, those Russians...

Yuri Gagarin - cosmonaut, first man in space. Unlike the American space missions, Gagarin did not stop off at the moon for a game of golf and a picnic, he just flew around for a bit, possibly mooning out the rear window of the spaceship and flicking the Vs at Mars.

Boris Yeltsin - pisspot politician. Ousted the progressive, liberal Gorbachev by making him appear in front of the nation having just escaped from a military coup, still with drool hanging out the side of his mouth and wearing a scruffy old jumper with all egg down the front. Yeltsin took over the presidency of Russia and embarked on a twenty year drinking binge. The ongoing conflict with Chechnya reportedly started after a drunken Yeltsin appeared on Chechen TV and offered the whole nation outside, slurring "Come on then, you wankers, I'll tek the fucking lot of you". Another diplomatic row was sparked when, on visiting Buckingham Palace, an intoxicated Yeltsin requested that the Queen should "get her rat out", while making a suggestive "jiggy jiggy" gesture. In summary, vodka.

t.A.T.u. - teenage lesbian lust! Or rather not. Despite the heavy lesbian overtones in their pop smash "All the things she said" that caused moral panic and outrage among tabloid newspapers, the girls, Lena and Yulia, are not, in fact, in the lesbians. The group later finished third in the Eurovision Song Contest and also recorded an ace version of "How Soon is Now" by The Smiths.

Showreel Shorthand

Oleg Blokhin's square heed, That 4-3 game against Belgium, Van Basten's volley, tanks rolling past the Kremlin, Rooney's daft tackle on the plastic pitch.


Perennial achievers of the "perennial underachievers" tag. Can this be the year the paella-munchers finally cast off the tag of "perennial underachievers" and become "achievers"? Hmm, the jury is still out on that one. At least they have finally kicked Raul's arse to the kerb, the Real Madrid striker, while seeming a nice enough chap, never gave the impression that he was the man to cast off the... (Fuck off - Perennial Underachieving Ed)

Five Famous Belgians

Don Quixote - Fictional eponymous hero of Miguel Cervantes novel, this lovable old barmpot had the queer notion that he was a knight so bold from days of old and went off to save damsels and have adventures. In the days before "political correctness gone mad" it was generally considered a good thing to write novels where the mentally ill are mocked and bully-ragged for the entertainment of the public. Today we just have "Big Brother". Right, kids?

Phillip II of Spain - War-mongering King of Spain who got his nose bloodied and his arse kicked by Frannie Drake when he tried to start bother off the south coast of England with his so-called Armada (trans. rubbish navy). Our man Drake was busy playing a frame of bowls at his local alley when the news came that the Armada had been sighted in the vicinity. With "admiral" coolness, he finished his pint, completed his game, which included four strikes and three spares, changed out of his mod-father style bowling footwear and trotted off to give Johnny Foreigner a proper licking. A beaten man, Phillip slunk off to pick on someone his own size, starting a war with France.

Pablo Picasso - Twentieth Century painter and sculptor who, according to art historian Jonathan Richman, used to go down town and pick up girls without being called an asshole. However, british expert Adam Ant makes a more outlandish claim, namely that Picasso regularly visited the Planet of the Apes. Perhaps he used to pick up female chimps on his many visits to the fictional simian-ruled world. The dirty monkey-fucking porvort. Anyhoo, his "Guernica" was well regarded by those in the know, so hats off to the old boy.

Julio Iglesias - super-smooth crooning star and ladies man. A promising goalkeeper in his youth, the teenage Iglesias vied for a place in the same Real Madrid youth team as Pope John Paul II (see Poland). Eventually, a car crash and a three-year lay-off, convinced him that his future lay with the production of sickly-sweet, oleaginous love ballads and banging hot chicks rather than Association Football. A global heart-throb throughout the seventies and eighties, Iglesias is reputed to have slept with over three thousand women, as mentioned in his autobiography "I shagged over three thousand women, me! How you like them apples, Nastase, eh?"

Seve Ballesteros - golfing genius of the 1970s and 80s. First came to widespread attention when winning the 1979 British Open, with his trademark blend of wild driving and miraculous recovery shots. Always a favourite with crowds in Britain and Europe for his cavalier playing style, cheeky smile, the natty way he filled a Slazenger pullover and, most notably, the way he would regularly shit up the Yanks in the Ryder Cup. He stuck it right up them!

Showreel Shorthand

Arconada spilling the ball in 1984, Arconada spilling it against Norn Ireland in '82, Butragueno storing five against Denmark in '86, some dark horses.


Will be in the unfamiliar position of attending a major tournament and not having a dull draw with England as part of their schedule. Sure to pose a threat to any defence with their strike partnership of mercurial Juventus goal-getter Ibrahamovic and ageless Old Firm legend Larsson. A little simple fun will no doubt be had by TVcameramen by picking out fresh-faced, pneumatic blondes in the crowd, possibly clad in tight yellow t-shirts, their firm scandinavian breasts jiggling prettily as they writhe in ecstasy, breathy words of nordic delight escaping their perfect ruby lips... Sorry, drifted off a bit there.

Five Famous Belgians

Abba - quintessential Scandinavian perfect pop quartet. Who can forget their Eurovision winning performance of "Waterloo", as they effortlessly combined a potted biography of M. Bonaparte with a whizz-bang pop sensibility and some hotpants. While we all have our favourite member of Abba, this correspondent was always a big fan of the blonde one. Giddy up, what? Benny, I think his name was.

Alfred Nobel - chemist, inventor and founder of high-falutin' awards ceremony. Having made an absolute fortune inventing dynamite and gelignite, our hero decides he wants a better legacy than as the brains behind some of the most dangerous explosives known to humanity. Leaves part of his vast fortune to setting up awards for Physics, Chemistry, Physiology, Literature and Peace. Initially quite a prestigious award, today's metrosexual society now ranks an NME Brats Award or a Heat Magazine "Minger of the Year" title as a more noteworthy accomplishment.

Jens Lekman - musician and godlike genius. Despite the similarity of his name to that of tousle-haired Germany and Arsenal goalkeeper Jens Lehmann, Lekman is in fact a singer-songwriter with no known feud with long-time rival Oliver Kahn. All nonsense aside, if you take one thing from this cornucopia of cock that you are reading, seek out and listen to the great man's music. He is skill.

Bjorn Borg - the Red Rum of tennis. Seemingly won Wimbledon every year in the late seventies and early eighties. Ok, he "only" won it five times. Had a laid-back, cool playing style that was in marked contrast to the fiery, temperamental game played by long-time rivals Jimmy Connors and John McEnroe. Possibly this is down to his reserved, northern-european personality, maybe it's because he didn't do as much coke as them. Who can say? His autobiography "My Life and Game" sheds little light on the number of women he schtupped. Disappointing.

Sven Goran Eriksson - unpopular football manager. The former manager of England became increasingly unloved by the tabloid press and ill-informed football supporters for his disgraceful record of qualifying for every major tournament and usually getting to the quarter-final and his associated crime of being A Foreigner. Once a proud John Bull Englishman was appointed to the job, the national team went on to unparalleled success, qualifying from an easy group at a canter and entering Euro 2008 as firm favourites.
Hang on, that didn't happen! The Sun and The Mirror must have been wrong! Eriksson met with the same relatively success away from the pitch, bedding a bevy of borderline boilers such as fellow Swede Ulrika Jonsson, Faria Alam and long-standing blind-eye-turner Morticia Dallaglio.

Showreel Shorthand

Fatty Brolin lashing home in 1992, Pele and co. doing them 5-2 in '58, Ravelli's mad post-shootout face in 1994, two blondes jumping up and down in the crowd.

Johnny Two-Feathers' Verdict

This update has been delayed by Mr Two-Feathers recent hospitalisation for a "stress-related illness".

(makes drinky-drinky gesture).

Johnny wishes to place on record his thanks to his family and friends and also the staff at Um Priory Medicine Lodge.

Um journey of many steps can only begin once a brave admits there is um problem. With this in mind, Johnny sees Spain as nation on path to recovery. For too long reliant on um crutch that was Raul, the Spanish can now forge um new trail with Torres and Villa up front. As for rest of group, rattlesnake does not return to bite squatting squaw twice on same spot. Greece will do fuck all. With regard to Sweden or Russia, they will both no doubt be some dull old prairie-shit.

Have you got any fire-water on you? Johnny Two-Feathers is how you say, gasping for um shot of the good stuff. I can give you land if you want it, or um share in um Casino that is coining it in? Come on, paleface, do not hold out on a brave, I'm jonesing here, capiche?

Ah, that is hitting um spot! Spain and Russia to go through. Now get off my reservation!

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Ins and Outs: June '08

Hola, muchachos!

As you are no doubt painfully aware, the Euro 2008 Futbol Gala Tournament has pulled up to our collective bumper, with it's euro-house "dance" music pumping from its stereo and a whiff of garlic in its wake.

What better way to maintain a stolid British isolationist stance than a hardline reactionary manifesto handed down by a cabal of bloodstained refuseniks, nationalists and bunco-steerers, or The Ins and Outs Committee, to give them their correct title.

Stick this up your junta, Monsieur Delors, you can straighten our bananas when you pry them from our cold, dead hands.

Ins and Outs am here!


Thailand's King Bhumibol Adulyadej. A fan of Hardcore Rap, he always includes respect to
Dr Dre in his State Address to Parliament.
On being asked to do the slightest bit thing, replying "No way. Jose!" in a vehement Rab C Nesbitt style accent.
Donning your best suit and shiniest shoes to attend the "black parade".
Grinning vacantly at people and informing them, a propos nothing, "Ah'm just doing my own dang!"
Taking risks by cooking and eating chicken meat long past its sell-by date. Sometimes you've got to live on the edge.
Turning up late then claiming to have been "sitting in the back seat, kissing and a-hugging with Fred"
Anything that has been remixed by Van She.
In a Gorbals four-ale bar, loudly asking the barman "Here, mate? Do Scotch transvestites wear trouser suits then, or what?"
Leopard-skin dungarees. This season's must-have item.
Making a silent vow to oneself to use more tarragon in the kitchen.
Laying the blame, not on the sunshine or good times, not even the boogie, but squarely at the door of the Special Brew.
Using the Beano cartoon "Little Plum" as your primary source of reference on the cultural mores of the Native American tribes.
Pitching up at antenatal classes while not being pregnant, just because you like the music and doing breathing exercises.
Affecting the mode of dress of a 1950s birdwatcher; shorts, hiking boots and field-glasses akimbo.
Getting into an unseemly brawl with the pizza delivery man over which was better, "Falcon Crest" or "Dynasty".
Embarking on a spiritual quest, a voyage of discovery, if you will, wandering alone in the desert, taking psychoactive mushrooms and that, then returning home thinking that you really fancy getting a Daihatsu Sirion.
Avoiding deranged females like the plague.
Amusingly referring to to Cock-a-leekie soup as "Leaky Cock soup". Sophisticated!
Shots that hit the bar.
Claiming to be able to dismantle and re-assemble an SA-80 Assault Rifle in under a minute when, in fact, you wouldn't even have a clue how to switch one on.


Bhutan's King Ugyen Wanschuck. The mofo digs Mariah Carey!
Sporting a short sleeve shirt/tie combo. The office attire of the fool.
Ersatz blob machine erectile dysfunction solutions. "Golden Root" my oxter!
The Mississippi Delta. Fucking shit.
Breezily excusing any workplace underperformance by explaining that you have been "hittin' it from behind" all night.
Dancing with tears in your eyes. You'll look a prize chump.
Alway making specific reference to the fact that your pork chop or chicken breast was prepared using a George Foreman grill, like this makes the least bit fucking difference.
Drafting a job advertisement for a senior management post stating that the ideal candidate will be "a lady in the street but a freak in the bed". It's not the 1980s, fellers.
Woefully short approach putts from just off the green.
Tipping your head right back and desperately chugging on your can of soft drink to get the last few drops from it. Have a bit of dignity, there's a good chap.
Wolf Blass wine. Regardless of quality, he sounds like a war criminal or a wrestler, not a vintner.
The tendency among sufferers of colitis to believe that people want in-depth accounts of the symptoms and treatments associated with this unfortunate condition.
Proudly informing people that you have every episode of "The Prisoner" on DVD as though this makes you a notable collector in the same league as Nelson A Rockefellers.
Getting over-excited about the dressing gowns when staying at an hotel.
Telling anyone who will listen that you don't believe in office romances, when they all know you work in a slaughterhouse.
Gleeful tabloid reporting of prison-based nonce-bashing.
Any local band type musician wearing a waistcoat.
Fuel protesters.
Buttonholing a brother in the pub and vapouring on about some Facebook group of which you're a member. F that S, F it in the ass!
The Parable of the Talents. One of the disciples should have telt him. "Jesus, I'm loving your work, bro, but that's a shit parable, my friend."

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Group C

Group C


Die gruppe des todes!


Frenchmen! In shorts! A terrifying prospect, I'm sure you will agree. With his onion breath and wandering hands, Jean-Pierre Frenchman is a fearsome foe. Boasting a galaxy of stars such as Thierry Henry, Franck Ribery and Lilian Thuram, the gallic masters would be among the favourites to claim the title, were it not for the Group Of DEATH! factor. It is far from overstating the case to suggest that the three best teams in the competition are to be found in group C. Add to this the fact that England will not be in attendance and only then can one fully comprehend the folly in allowing not one, but two, nations of mountain-dwelling, feather-hat wearing, Nazi-collaborating, cake-for-breakfast munching nations of footballing dunderheads to host the tournament.

Five Famous Belgians

Serge Gainsbourg - frog-faced, pint-sized pervert of pop. Despite having the appearance of something that should be sporting among the lilypads, mateyboy managed to "collaborate" (schtupp) many of the world's most beautiful and desirable women throughout the sixties and seventies, all the while getting them to sing his innuendo-laden pop ditties about oral sex, incest, puppy-squeezing and hitting it from behind. He was quite a guy!

Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec - another sawn-off porvort. A nineteenth century artist cove, Mother Nature had not smiled on our Henri. The top half of his body was normal-sized, his legs were teeny-tiny and apparently he had a huge schlong. Actually, put like that, it doesn't sound too bad a deal. Anyhoo, the Wee Man, as Ally McCoist would no doubt have referred to him, spent most of his working life painting the portraits of prossies in Montmartre, then getting drunk and shagging them of a night time.

Napoleon Bonaparte - another great Frenchman who was diminuitive in stature. As one of the last people to find out that it was raining, Bonaparte made up his short-arsedness by ruthlessly acquiring power, eventually winding up as Emperor of France. Much like England's Steve McClaren, a disastrous campaign in Russia sowed the seeds of his destruction. However, it is unlikely that the Battle of Borodino took place on a plastic pitch, soaked to saturation point by a frankly crooked groundsman.

Antoine de Caunes - suave, leering television presenter. Hosted Channel 4's flagship european cultural show "Eurotrash" on British TV. This most important of late 20th century programmes was instrumental in giving British audiences exposure to the brightest and best in continental arts and media. Especially that blonde lass who died because her tits were so big.

Pepe le Pew - fictional animated amorous skunk. A frustrated lover, his unfortunate aroma constantly thwarted his attempted romantic liaisons, which for some reason were usually with black cats who'd had an imbroglio with some white paint. Some critics would have it that this american cartoon unfairly depicted the french, all of them, as malodorous, incorrigible sex pests. A completely untrue national stereotype which our comprehensive sample here has shown to be utterly without foundation.

Showreel Shorthand

Battiston getting his head taken off, Platini doing the biz in '84, Deschamps getting the cup in 1998, Zidane howking his guts up before beating England from the spot, Zizou sticking the nut on Materazzi.


The World Champions will be looking forward to playing France again, having faced them in the final in Germany 2006, they were drawn against them in qualifying for this tournament, before meeting up again in the tournament proper. Italy have been rocked by the last-minute injury of inspirational defender Fabio Cannavaro, but will probably kick and scrape their way through to the final like they normally do.

Five Famous Belgians

Benito Mussolini - baldy-heided fascist Italian premier and one of the leaders of the World War II Axis Powers, where he was known as The Shit One. As if being a fascist wasn't bad enough, he was also a known railway enthusiast. Fittingly, he was executed outside a petrol station. Watch your back, Gordon Browns!

Leonardo da Vinci - quite simply, an absolute genius. As an artist, he painted the most famous picture, like, ever: La Gioconda (or The Mona Lisa as you plebs probably call it). In addition to his painting, he was also a scientist, engineer, sculptor, mathematician and anatomist. He must have been beating the ladies off with a shitty stick, yes? Well no, actually. He was in fact a gay man. Conclusive proof therefore, that all gays are better and cleverer than straight people. A bit of a turn up for the books, eh? Still, you live and you learn, what?

Michelangelo - another renaissance man, a contemporary and rival to da Vinci. His most famous works include the statue "David", who is clearly no Toulouse-Lautrec when it comes to filling a pair of Y-fronts, if you catch my drift, and the painting job he did on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. A bit overly-ornate, if you ask me, what's wrong with a simple white emulsion, eh? Another gay, of course. Not for him the distractions of going down the hippodrome to watch the Polish Dance, he was too busy getting some fit young twink to sit for him while he got that sculpture just right. Fair play to him.

Gino Ginelli - another creative genius was 1980s fictional ice cream designer Gino Ginelli. His groundbreaking, delicious flavours included Mint Chocky-Cheep, Toffee-Foodgee and Tutti Frutti What a Cutie. Marvellous stuff and a bit of Peter Kay style nostalgia-as-comedy-replacement for the slackjaws among you. Italian verve indeed!

Michael Corleone - fictional war hero turned gangland overlord. Took over the family bidness after concluding a meeting with trade rival Sillozzo by placing a bullet through his skull, then offing his bent pig mate. His wife was a bit of a pain in the arse, mind.

Showreel Shorthand

Kicking lumps out the Koreans in 1966, getting a shoe-ing off of Brazil in 1970, Paolo Rossi's hat-trick and Tardelli's mad face in 1982, Baggio's poor penalty in 1994, Materazzi discussing Zidane's family in 2006.


Pornography, prostitution, drugs, pint after golden pint of beautiful lager. That's the type of thing that a down-market, gutter weblog may witter on about when mentioning the Netherlands, but not this clean-living bachelor boy. Oh no. Moving on to the Dutch football team, Marco van Basten seems to have forged a decent enough team spirit among what is traditionally the bitchiest collection of back-biting, preening, self-regarding egomaniacs outside the cast of "Sex in the City", eh ladies? PS I know it's "Sex and the City". The loss of Ryan Babel may prove a loss to the Hollandaise, but there are still bags of goals in their side and if Arjen Robben can re-discover his best form they could potentially do very well.

Five Famous Belgians

Vincent Van Gogh - prominent 19th century artist who love colour and who let it show. His artistic prowess was all the more remarkable given the fact that he was blind, having cut off one of his eyes one night while hepped up on absinthe following a tiff with his lass.

MC Miker G and DJ Sven - genius 1980s songwriting and performing duo who shot to fame with their seminal hip hop pop classic "Holiday Rap" wherein they informed us of their impending travel plans, stating their intent to "ring-rang-a-dong for a holiday". Forget your MC Hammers and your Vanilla Icecubes, this is the true voice of the ghetto.

William III of England - not actually English. A dutch fellow, formerly known as Prince of Orange, he won the English, Scottish and Irish crowns and is surprisingly popular with certain elements in the latter two countries, where coves dressed as Be-Ro men wear orange sashes in his honour and parade past Catholic people, playing flute music. Unorthodox.

Raymond van Barneveld - the greatest ever sportsman to come from the Netherlands. A world champion darts player in both of the beautiful game's competing tournaments, "Barney" as his army of adoring fans know him, has been the only player to consistently challenge the unrivalled dominance of the world's number one, Phil "the Power" Taylor, an Englishman.

Van der Valk - tousle-haired fictional TV detective. The series of the same name is fondly remembered for its stirring, evocative theme tune. After which, most people turned off after about ten minutes because it was so bliddy boring.

Showreel Shorthand

Johann Cruyff, turns akimbo, litter on the pitch in Argentina '78, Van Basten thumping that volley in Euro '88, Koeman dinking it past Seaman, Shearer, Gazza, Sheringham et al showing them how to play in '96, various penalty shootout disasters, a training ground bust-up.


Gypsies, vampires, orphans. That's Romania. Despite being widely written off as makeweights in the Gruppo del Morte, it is worth remembering that Romania topped their qualifying group ahead of the Netherlands. Although, it would be understandable were one not to remember that. I just found it out by cribbing from the BBC's guide to Euro 2008. Fuck it, they aren't going to qualify, are they?

Five Famous Belgians

Count Dracula - vampire. Fictional, but where there's smoke, there's fire, no? Unless you count dry ice machines. Which were invented after the smoke/fire cliche was coined. Anyhoo, this Count Dracula, who did exist, used to spend his evenings sucking on the neck of young women, dressed mainly in black, didn't like sunshine and stayed indoors all day. Possibly a fore-runner of today's "Emo" kids, right Daily Mail readers?

Nicolae Ceauşescu - former Communist leader of the country and all-round bad egg. Executed by a firing squad following a popular revolt as communism was collapsing all over Eastern Europe. George Bush (the first one) liked him though, so there you are.

Elena Ceauşescu - wife of Nicolae and even more of a knacker than him. Lived in a palace and owned over 20,000 pairs of shoes and got her husband to give her a phoney-baloney government job, which she did badly. Supposedly cheated in her exams and faked her qualifications, like a communist harridan version of Jeffrey Archer. Not a big hit with John Q. Average-Romanian.

Nadia Comăneci - teenage gymnast of the 1970s and 80s. As Everybody knows, the so-called sport of gymnastics is actually a front for paedophiles to get together and exchange pictures and films while peering intently at some waiflike 12 year old lassie doing the splits in a see-through leotard. That said, our Nadia was ruddy marvellous in this most noble of sports, achieving the first perfect 10 score ever recorded during the Montreal Olympics in 1976.

Ilie Nastase - archetypal 70s tennis professional. Won 88 tennis titles but is probably better known for his claim that he had shagged over 2,500 women. This claim was made in his 2005 autobiography "Ilie Nastase: I've shagged over 2,500 women, me. No hoonds, either."

Showreel Shorthand

Gheorghe Hagi pinging them in at USA '94, Phil Neville dropping a bollock in Euro
2000, some bats.

Johnny Two-Feathers' Verdict

Um group of death. Heap bad medicine. Bad medicine is what I need. Spent last night on fire-water, got um splitting headache like um scalped paleface. Not really arsed about football. Will plump for Italy and France. Fuck King Billy. Ooh, um bastern heed is nipping. Do you have um Resolve, paleface?

Monday, June 02, 2008

Group B

Group B


Don't mention the war!


The second of the host nations has an even weaker team than Switzerland. An assortment of mulleted no-marks that are so clueless there were petitions in favour of withdrawing from the tournament rather than showing themselves up in front of Europe.

Five Famous Belgians

Adolf Hitler - mono-bollocked Nazi war-mongerer and reportedly a touch anti-semitic. Not much cop as a painter either.

Josef Fritzel - another wrong 'un. Imprisoned his daughter for over twenty years, raping her and fathering seven children with her. After her escape, claimed he had planned on releasing her soon as he no longer fancied her. That's alright, then.

Rosemarie Fritzel - wife of Josef and either an inhuman monster compliant with the crimes of her husband, or Europe's Daftest Cunt. Trips to Asda must have been a strange affair; "Josef, why are you buying all of these rusks for?" "Erm, I have been smoking joints late and I get the munchies, you know? A ha ha!" "Oh, ja, that makes sense when you explain it like that."

Falco - eighties pop star who scored a worldwide hit with his 1986 smash hit "Rock me Amadeus". Died in 1998 after being hit by a bus. It's not known if he was a heavy smoker or not.

Kurt Waldheim - distinguished Austrian diplomat and politican who served as President from 1986 to 1992. It probably comes as no surprise to learn that he served as a Nazi officer during the Second World War. Honestly, what are this lot like?

Showreel Shorthand

Disgruntled Algerians annoyed by the "Anschluss" World Cup '82 fixture against West Germany, Hans Krankl doing something or other, that cove in the Benny hat from The Faeroe Islands, footage of "So Long, Farewell" from The Sound of Music.

Fresh from ruining the summer for English lager enthusiasts and vendors of England-related tat, Slaven Bilic's gingham army make the short trip to Austria with their best side since the 1998 World Cup semi-finalists.

Five Famous Belgians

Goran Ivanisevic - beanpole mentalist tennis player. Good serve on him

Arkan - Some say warlord, others say war criminal. Either way, he killed a lot of chaps.

Monica Seles - grunting, stab-victim female tennis player.

Gavrilo Princip - political activist and hothead. Started World War I by assassinating Franz Ferdinand. If only somebody would shoot fucking Coldplay!

Tito - Communist President of Yugoslavia for about fifty years or something. One of the few Croatians to oppose the Nazis during WWII and, more importantly, kept the Yugoslavian nation together, thus giving the UK a sporting chance in the Eurovision Song Contest without all these moon-man countries voting for each other's rotten songs. Really, who can tell one of these countries from the other? Not me!

Showreel Shorthand
Bilic getting sent off versus France, Paul Robinson letting it bobble over his foot, Scott Carson letting it slip under his body, an ethnic cleansing.


What to say about Germany without descending into hackneyed cliches and national stereotypes? You can never write them off, as they play with ruthless efficiency while looking determined and well-organised. Towels on sun loungers, bombed chip shops et cetera, et cetera. Basically, after a creditable performance at World Cup 2006, they'll almost certainly get to the semi-finals here and could very well win the tournament.

Five Famous Belgians

Oskar Schindler - businessman and Dudley Do-right, saved a bunch of Jews in WWII by building a massive wooden boat or something. I didn't watch the film. A 1993 film I did see, however, is Body of Evidence. It's great, you see Madonna's tits, bum, fanny, the lot. Recommended!

Ludwig van Beethoven - possibly the greatest composer of classical music, like, ever. All the more remarkable given the fact that he was deaf, having cut off his ear when pissed up on absinthe after his lass chucked him.

Michael Schenker - hard rock guitarist, regarded by most as the natural successor to Beethoven. Has thrilled millions of rock fans across the globe with his balls-out brand of widdly-widdly guitar based rock. Rock!

Nico - glacially beatiful model and part-time singer with the Velvet Underground. Probably slept with more musicians than she had hot dinners. Having sampled the creative hothouse environment of Warhol's Factory, what could be a more fitting destination than a bedsit in Salford, shacked up with John Cooper Clarke, taking loads of smack? Died in Ibiza after falling off her bike.

Martin Luther - olden days churchy-type, famous for inventing the Protestant religion and encouraging people to burn down the homes of Jews. His most notable speech contained the oft-repeated "I have a dream" quotation, said dream consisting of a version of christianity with none of that shit about divorce and celibacy for priests, and the smell of burning synagogues on the morning breeze.

Showreel Shorthand

Geoff Hurst lashing home the fourth goal, Gerd Muller and his stumpy legs, Andy Moeller looking cunty after winning the penalties in '96, Lothar Matthaus looking strident in '90


Poles! They're everywhere these days, aren't they? Whether they're working damn hard on our building sites, administer sordid, dispassionate handjobs in squalid backstreet massage parlours, appearing in jokes by deceased funnyman Rodney Dangerfield or selling overpriced, fatty meat products on our high streets, you can't move without bumping into our Polack cousins. But what of their footballers? Well, despite being depleted by Germany nicking all their best players, they have qualified for their second consecutive major tournament. British observers may be most familiar with hun-baiting "Holy Goalie" Artur Boruc, infamous for crossing himself in a provocative manner in front of Rangers supporters and sporting a t-shirt with the slogan "Archbishop Rowan Williams can suck my fat cock".

Five Famous Belgians

Pope John Paul II - The original holy goalie, the former pontiff was a teenage apprentice at Real Madrid, before abandoning the game to try his hand at saving souls, not goals. Reportedly very good at handling crosses etc etc...

Lech Walesa - former trade union leader turned politician. His Solidarity union was a major thorn in the side of Poland's communist government, with their demands for legalised trade unions, greater social freedoms, free elections and longer tea breaks and soft toilet paper for shipyard workers. Was the custodian of one of Eastern Europe's finest moustaches, a luxuriant walrus-type effort.

Nicolaus Copernicus - astronomer from the 1400s who first scientifically showed that the sun is the centre of the solar system, not the earth, like the fools in the Church thought. A clever cove. Coincidentally, an answer on the quiz machine in the pub the other night, hence his inclusion here.

Marie Curie - double Nobel Prize winning scientist, famed for discovering two elements, polonium and radium, although it is probable that her husband Pierre Curie did most of the actual work, with Marie most likely limited to making cups of tea and writing down measurements on a clipboard. As well as her scientific achievements, Curie was a renowned slag, sleeping with married men and generally putting it about like a tupenny whore.

Ray Manzarek - keyboard wizard of Polish descent, Manzarek's tinklings are the sole saving grace of indulgent, overblown LA rock bores The Doors. Manzarek also managed to keep his cock in his pants while onstage, unlike the band's long-haired scruffy herbert frontman Jim Morrison.

Showreel Shorthand

Jan Tomaszewski keeping England at bay in '73, Lineker sticking a hat-trick past them in '86, Hitler invading in '39.

Johnny Two-Feathers' Verdict

Um heap tight group. Much history between rival tribes. Bad medicine ahoy. At end of um day, heap foolishness to write off Germans. Proud braves have they. Croatia may just have too much in um locker for Poland. Austria will stink up um tournament like buffalo shit on um moccasin.

Kemo Sabe!