Good greeting tides, sports fans.
As I'm sure you're all aware, the summer's sporting highlight is but days away. That's right, sixteen of Europe's finest footballing nations will come together in the soccer hotbeds of Switzerland and Austria (me neither) to compete for the UEFA European Championship 2008.
Normally, the world's favourite team England would be red-hot favourites to take home the trophy to put alongside their vast collection of World Cup. However, due to a combination of plastic pitches, UEFA skullduggery, brolly-wielding shitehawks and players from Aston Villa, the dearest of national sides will not be competing this time.
Fortunately, from a street-cleaning perspective, the Scotch army of red-headed incontinents won't be making the journey either.
This leaves, you, the hapless, parochial unsophisticate in the ways of the continental game, scratching your head, gaping maw a-dribbling, wondering "Who the blinking flip are aal these foreigners, eh? I've never heard of any of them, me"
Well calm your tears, my young fool. I am here to walk you through the whole process and explain it to you so even you can grasp it.
To assist me in this task, I have enlisted the assistance of my trusty Native American spirit guide Johnny Two Feathers.