Saturday, January 05, 2008

Tache, Gash, Pie 'n' Mash

Waka waka waka waka!

By which I mean, of course, Happy New Year and so forth. I trust you all had a suitably festive time at the back end of 2007 and are "feelin gr8 in 2008", as the happy-slapping young folk would have it.

Between ourselves, I have recently found the whole Xmas/New Year shemozzle to be a bit of a bore, a drag, a spunk-drinking festival, if you will. With no disrespect intended to any of the fine people I spent time with recently, for pure unalloyed, simple pleasure, the bowel movements I had on Christmas evening and December 28th were the undoubted highlights of the entire holidays.

That can't be right, surely?

However, the beacon of hope that saw me through the more trying moments of Chrizzo was the knowledge that January would see the commencement of Tache Club.

Yeah, Tache Club. Pretty sweet, huh? You probably don't have an inkling of a clue as to what Tache Club entails, so I will break it down for you.

It's a society formed of the chillingest, illingest, beer-swillingest gentlemen from my local booze-hole. Here, foppish dandies and stylish Alpha male types can congregate in a cordial atmosphere and cultivate a roguish moustache. "TC", as the papers are calling it, will run throughout January, concluding with a prestigious soiree on February 1st, where prizes of fabulous value will be awarded for accomplishments of bushiness, originality and sexiness. Book your seat early, as it is anticipated that all of those competing will have women hanging off us like fruitbats.

The rules of the club are fairly simple.

The first rule of Tache Club is: Don't shave your top lip.

The second rule of Tache Club is: Don't replicate rule 1 for rule 2. That's the way of the fool. The type of weak-ass shit that Chuck Palahniuks might come up with.

The third rule is that members must be clean shaven on New Years Day, after which they are allowed full beard and tache growth for one week. Thereafter, the moustache must exist as a separate 'tache constituency.

This is to avoid mealy-mouthed cheaters simply growing a beard for a month then shaving it into shape for the big unveil. Shame on them, that is not the way of a 'tache-growing man.

Now, I will own that I am not the hairiest of fellows. Normally I am quite keen to avoid any suggestion of facial hair, instinctively feeling that it the province of the barbarian, the harry ramp and the heavy metal appreciator. Given this attitude, you may ask "Then why enter a club devoted exclusively to growing said fungus?"

This type of unworthy nit-pickery ignores the nature of men. We do these things because we can. Because we are stupid. Because it's fun.

Progress update - January 6th.

A thin, weedy caterpillar of a moustache, as seen on spivs and confidence tricksters. Still some way from the desired "Magnum" look.

Stay tuned for more "Tache Club" updates!

1 comment:

Gorilla Bananas said...

"the bowel movements I had on Christmas evening and December 28th were the undoubted highlights of the entire holidays."

That doesn't surprise me. We gorillas appreciate shitting as one of the great sensual pleasures of life. I grow a moustache all over my body, so I assume I am eligible to join your club.