Monday, October 01, 2007

Ins and Octs: October '07

"Spinderella, cut it up one time!"

That's what Salt and, to a lesser extent, Pepa, used to "holler" back in "the day".

Now, I'm not a sassy female rapper, rhymin' and a-chimin' and looking out for my hymen. But what I will "cut up" for you is the meanest and leanest rundown of what constitutes the zeitgeist and what is merely the shitegeist.

To "break it down" so my homies on the street will be fully cognisant of what time it is, suffice it to say that
Ins and Outs am here!


Taking a picture of Chairman Mao to the barbers and asking for the same haircut but "a bit longer at the back".
Helen Bonham Carter in Planet Of The Apes Two. Monkey/schmonkey- G'dang G'dang Dang!
Ensuring that unwisely texted topless photographs of local gals receive maximum circulation.
Near-post headers.
Constructing a working "think-tank" in your potting shed.
Running amok.
Animatedly discussing the literary works of Sven Hassel with a chap who is hawking low quality polo shirts around local public houses.
Slaven Bilic, eating spinach.
Immediately deleting text message joke funnies sent by your witless acquaintances while frowning sternly.
Growing fat on the blood, sweat and toil of the oppressed underclass.
Handing in one's notice at a Roman Catholic seminary after one day, telling the man in charge "it's a bit of a sausage party".
Considering the director Ben Dover to be a cinematic auteur on a par with Hitchcock or Truffaut.
Irn Bru. The best caledonian girder-derived soft drink bar(r) none.
Big girls. You are beautiful.
Breathtakingly fabulous examples of rococo interior design.
Taking it back to the old school, like an old fool, who's so cool.
Gulping down Rennies with alarming regularity.
Claiming to have been on telly in the 1980s as part of your local "Why Don't You" gang.
Settling down for the night with some Bath Olivers, a good, strong piece of cheddar, a decent Beaujolais and a DVD of "Ross Kemp on Gangs".
The puffins of the Farne Islands.


Driving round pre and post an England soccer match with St George flags hanging out of a battered Nova.
General Paulus' tactics and strategy to take Stalingrad in '42. That brother must have been on the pipe to think that shee-it had legs.
Watching the rugby world cup for a month and still being confused as to which one is the Gain Line.
Sourly referring to women as "snakes with tits" at every opportunity.
People telling you in great detail about their preparation and consumption of fruit smoothies, as though they were regularly imbibing the elixir of life.
Green Tea, as well.
The hench, the French, Kevin Mench, the wearers of "Bench".
Large numbers of small furry gonks, trolls and bears littering your car dashboard. Three's the limit, girls!
Scoring from free-kicks.
Misguidedly appending the fact that you "love cuddling up on the sofa with a bottle of red wine and a DVD" to a job application form.
Worrying oneself sick over whether Fall Out Boy are getting a bit commercial these days.
Men who watch soap operas.
Supercilious fellows driving Rentokil vans who give the skunk-eye to a brother waiting for his bus. The fucking rat-catching cunts.
Nostalgically going on about confectionery of yesteryear. To answer your question, they were rubbish and not enough people bought them.
The Black Forest. The cack forest more like!
Crocs. Orange plastic shoes ideal for strolling along the Way of the Fool.
Small girls. You are rat-faced little shrews.
Jabbering crones whose sole contribution to the debate on how the criminal justice system should best deal with sex offenders is to shriek "they want their bliddy baals cutting off!"
Moral relativism. It's just not right.