If there is one cultural phenomenon that encapsulates the brave new world in which we are living, it isn't the iPod, it isn't Coke Zero, it isn't the paintings of Tomma Abts, it isn't even the Pot Noodle Bombay Bad Boy. Rather, it is the Celebrity Sex Tape.
Which other cultural artefact simultaneously reflects the ridiculously overweening need of vacuous pinheaded individuals to become and to remain famous by whatever means necessary and also the compulsion of a certain group within the public to voraciously consume as much information about those that the media tells them are celebrities and therefore worthy of such scrutiny and veneration? I'll tell you - none!
It isn't just the Heat magazine reading, reality TV show watching, mouth-breathing underclasses who are transfixed by this type of thing either. It's clever specky people like me and my art critic drinking buddies too. As one of my coterie of intellectual pals opined the other week "Aal these famous tarts, they look like they're shit shags, but you still want to see it, though".
Indeed we do. So much so that we've researched the subject and compiled this Top Ten of the best Celebrity Sex Tapes, like, ever. Cheg on, Melvyn Braggs!
10. Lea off of "Big Brother"
Purists may dispute the inclusion of this offering, since technically it was filmed as pornography before the star's rise to mega-celebrity as the Old Bag With The Big Plastic Knockers in Big Brother VII. However, it gets in because it reflects the fleeting, transient notions of celebrity in this century. Has ther ever been a grimmer indictment of shallow, consumerism than the collapse of Lea's pelvic tuck under the onslaught of her male co-star's attentions?
9. Linsey Dawn McKenzie's Hardcore Debut
Linsey Dawn, the poster girl of a nation of finger-sniffing "Daily Sport" readers, completed her voyage of discovery from ample-bosomed ingenue stripping off for a topless photo-shoot on her sixteenth birthday (with full parental backing) to fully-fledged bongo movie diva. Critics have derided the inept performance of her male co-star, real-life husband Terry, sentiments later echoed by his leading lady when she kicked his sorry ass to the curb.
8. Imogen off of "Big Brother"
Lo-fi, grainy, indie-flick short presentation featuring the forgettable Welsh sort from BB#7. Most memorable for the closing shot of what those in the industry refer to as a cream pie. One for the foodies, there's lovely, eh?
7. Keeley Hazell
Curvacious Page 3 stunna Keeley in action with the bodybuilding chap who is reputed to have chinned footballer Joe Cole. Many of her keenest followers were dismayed by the bold decision to keep her trademark funbags under wraps for this outing, although there are hopes they are being kept back for a sequel.
6. Those two roundheels' off of "Club Reps"
They shot to "fame" on a low-rent ITV masturmentary about young people getting drunk and shagging around on holiday by, er, getting drunk and shagging around while on holiday. These two teenage temptresses were in the studio being ministered to by soothing-voiced "bumpkin of bump'n'grind" Cathy Barry faster than you could say "Can 'ee get yur minge out for me now, moi love?"
5. Jordan and Dane Bowers
Who would have thought it? Prim and proper Princess of Hearts Katie Price and the King of Kebab Shop Pop Dane Bowers filmed their romantic liaisons and the footage was released into the wild. Shame on you all, some things should remain private, lest their beauty be tainted forever.
4. Paris Hilton
Everyone's favourite billionairhead gets down and gets with it with her grinning bozo fratboyfriend. Pleasingly, the sack-of-spuds style antics of the female lead offer a drop of consolation to any viewer with a lady friend who isn't a beautiful blonde billionaire's daughter. Less so for the more numerous legions of internet sadboys watching with only a rugby sock filled with tapioca to turn to.
Or whatever those porvorts use.
3. Stefan Postma
Former Aston Villa goalkeeper and all-round dutchman gets done up the wrong 'un by his strap-on wielding lass. Truly a film that challenges accepted norms, this movie asks powerful questions about sexuality and gender roles.
2. Abi Titmuss
Offering an invigorating vision of feminism for the twenty-first century, Abi showed it's possible for the modern girl to have it all; the sophisticated, successful boyfriend, the vigorous black girlfriend, the finger up the bum, the Stevie Wonder soundtrack, the glamorous career being pawed by Paul Danan and photographed with your lallies hanging out of a "naughty nurse" outfit. A movie that can only be described as seminal.
1. Pamela Anderson and Tommy Steele
They were the dream couple of Los Angeles. She, the pneumatic blonde Baywatch beauty, he the popular "Little White Bull" cheeky-chappie skiffle star. Never mind "Half a Sixpence" good old bonking Brit Tommy was giving her six-nowt like there was no tomorrow. A feel-good rollercoaster romp of a film and a worthy winner.