Saturday, September 16, 2006

Ins and Outs: Mid-September '06

Forced to return early by the wave of protesters chaining themselves to horses and throwing themselves under railings, we bring you a bonus edition of the list that tells you how to think, behave, dress and generally act yourself when in your cups.

To wit, Ins and Outs am here!


In

Being well within your rights
Telling folk you are into Eastern spirituality when your entire knowledge of the subject has been gleaned from "Monkey" and "The Water Margin"
Reminiscing about your entirely fictional days as part of a "dance crew" some say "street gang"
Following any spoken sentence with a short pause then a very emphatic "Yes!"
Nibbling on custard creams while thinking about Wentworth Golf Club
The little wave bus drivers do as they pass another bus.
Chien Ming Wang's lethal sinker ball
Keeping it in your pants
Falling in with the wrong crowd
Re-gripping one's badminton racquet
Japanese stuff
Eating "full english breakfast in a tin" half way up Mount Aconcagua
Not knowing how to make "stock"
While urinating, turning your head to the side and nodding happily like Stevie Wonder
The music of Gert wilden
Getting the forecast up at the dogs
Spending a "pampering day" at a health spa, the only chap there, surrounded by fruity well-to-do housewife types
Donating tins of Smart Price corned beef to the local Harvest Festival appeal
Storming out of city centre boozers in a fit of pique when there is no slice of lime to go in your modish imported bottled lager
Spreading mealy-mouthed workplace gossip


Out

Asking lap dancers what conditioner they use
Cocking a snook at received wisdom
Claiming to have spent the weekend meditating when everyone knows you mean "masturbating"
Referring to anybody as "currently residing in the "Where are they now?" file. You currently reside in the "I am a turd" file.
Bus journeys spent under the withering gaze of a baby that resembles Edward G Robinson in one of his less sanguine moments
Grown men riding, and indeed doing "tricks" on, BMX bikes
Dressing as a matelot in a blue jersey and bell bottoms to impress the girls down the pub.
Absinthe. The devil's brew.
Acting all arsey when your Placepot is knackered after one race
Lonsdale trainers
Cracking on to lasses in chip shops, asking if they like Werner Herzog
Putting down a tenner for your works Christmas "do"
Pudgy, sunglasses-wearing television poker players
Claiming to "read the game" when in fact you are "dead slow"
Chatting to some mascara-ed up student type about the merits of Tokyo Police Club
Shaving your own heed and going about the place, tufts akimbo, like a village idiot
Eating in restaurants while your dreadful acquaintances chirrup on all night about the food.
Ant infestation
Buskers using pre-recorded music as part of their act
Really meaning to get some new spectacles one of these days.



Until next time, let's make like an arse and shit it! Peace.