Monday, May 08, 2006

World Cup Fever!

Hey hey, kids, it's almost time for the World Cup and your Colonel has officially come down with World Cup Fever!

Today saw the announcement of the England squad. Sven Goran Erikssons took time out from his busy schedule of chasing his secretary around the office and getting pissed up with fake sheikhs to read out the twenty three (plus four) that Steve "Mike Baldwin" McLarens had selected.

With a squad containing such notable world-beaters as That Lanky Cunt, The Sissyboy Who Didn't Like Newcastle, The One Who Puts His Phone In His Arse and Gary Nevilles, it is clear that England will start as favourites to win the title. However, the question that people are stopping me on the street and asking is "What about the other teams? What the dillio there, Colonel?" Well feast your mince and onion pies (eyes) on the indispensable "Colonel Knowledge's Guide to The World Cup In Germany 2006".

A new regular feature of this 'blog, this guide will introduce you to the participants in this year's tournament. In the shell of a nut, there are thirty-two nations in the World Cup, they have been divided into eight groups in an above-board, not fixed at all draw ceremony, where traditionally Brazil and Germany will be given the easiest groups.

Today, we will take a look at Group A.

Teams - Germany, Costa Rica, Ecuador, Poland.

  • Qualified as hosts.
  • Have won the trophy three times
  • Lost in the final in 1966 when Geoff Hurst bagged a hat-trick and Pele scored with an overhead kick despite having his arm in a sling
  • Germans are known for their relaxed attitude to life, famous sense of humour and dropping bombs on Liverpool chip shops.
  • And pornographic films featuring "watersports"
  • Player to watch - Michael Ballacks. A worthy successor to such unpleasant looking arrogant shitehawks as Andreas Moller, Rudi Voeller and Karl Heinz Rummenigge.
  • How will they do? Quarter-finalists.

Costa Rica

  • Qualified by coming third out of six in the CONCACAF final group. Yeah, look impressed.
  • They have never won the World Cup, unlike England who won in 1966 at Wembley, bashing the bosch 4-2.
  • Costa Rica's first World Cup appearance was in Italy in 1990, where they suffered the embarrassment of only beating minnows Scotland 1-0.
  • The Costa Rican unit of currency is the Colon, which sounds like a bum
  • Costa Rica is famous for its' production of coffee, cocaine and swingers holiday resorts
  • Player to watch - Paulo Wanchopes. Former Manchester City and West Ham striker who was equally likely to score a wonder goal or miss a sitter. Gangly.


  • Qualified from the laborious South American group mainly by virtue of playing games at altitude where their opponents couldn't breathe.
  • Only one previous finals appearance, in 2002 where they finished bottom of their group.
  • This means that they have never won the World Cup, which Sir Alf Ramsey's lads did in 1966.
  • Ecuador literally means "Equator" because the equator runs through the middle of Ecuador.
  • Ecuador is the only country to have had a song written about it by German technohead DJ Sash!
  • Ecuador has massive oil reserves and everyone in the country has an oil well in their back garden and they all wear big stetsons like JR Ewings
  • Player to watch - Agustin Delgado. Lazy-arsed Carlos Kickaball type who made big bucks at Southampton and was injured all the time.


  • Qualified by coming second in the group won by England
  • Best ever World Cup placing was third in 1974 and 1982, a less impressive record than England, who won the 1966 tournament on the back of magnificent performances from balding geordie Bobby Charltons.
  • A sentimental return to Germany for Poland who were once part of Germany before asking Britain to stick up for them so they could go out with Russia instead.
  • The traditional Polish diet of potatoes, cabbage and vodka is a contributor to the Polish people having the lowest life expectancy in the western world, after Scotland
  • Poland's major industries are distilling vodka, unnerving animations, trudging through snow in leaking boots and being invaded.
  • Player to watch - Jerzy Dudek. Liverpool third choice custodian, best known for single-handedly winning the Champions League final and traditional comedy bungling in games against Manchester United.

Official World Cup 2006 Epithets

Germany: Unspectacular

Costa Rica: Unpredictable

Ecuador: Swarthy

Poland: Dull

Prediction: Germany and Costa Rica to qualify from the least interesting group in the tournament.

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