Tuesday, May 09, 2006

World Cup 2006: Group B

Teams - England, Paraguay, Sweden, Trinidad & Tobago

England

  • Qualified by winning a group containing Poland, Wales and Northern Ireland.
  • England have won the World Cup once, in 1966. This triumph has been largely forgotten and is rarely talked about.
  • England is famous for happy slapping, chavs, football hooliganism, reality television, morris dancing and xenophobia.
  • If one were able to harness the static electricity generated by the horrid nylon replica shirts worn by sweating, overweight, shaven-headed supporters swilling Stella Artois and watching the football in pubs during the tournament, it would be enough to power a city the size of Wales for a week.
  • England have a long tradition of releasing dreadful pop records prior to major tournaments. This will continue in 2006 following the recruitment of lank-haired Yorkshire miserabilists The Embraces.
  • At least they aren't Del AfuckingMitri.
  • Player to watch - Owen Hargreave. The golden boy of English soccer, Hargreave is more a media phonemenon than a footballer. His advertising deals alone are reputed to bring in more than £70 million a year.

Paraguay

  • Qualified by coming fourth in the South American group.
  • In six attempts, they have never got past the second round, whereas England have gone on to win the tournament on one occasion, in 1966 where Nobby Stiles danced a jig of joy after shitting up the krauts good and proper.
  • Paraguay's national dish is grilled hamster in a red cabbage couli.
  • Paraguayans speak two languages, spanish and guarani. However, guarani is a weird moonman language.
  • Germany 2006 will be a nostalgic venue for many of Paraguay's large community of exiled Nazi war criminals.
  • Player to watch - Diego Gavilans. The dainty midfielder won the hearts of Newcastle United supporters with a string of uncommitted, airy-fairy, lightweight performances in the black and white stripes before scurrying off home with a truckful of cash.

Sweden

  • Qualified as one of the best second placed teams, finishing behind Croatia in their qualifying group.
  • Their best performance was reaching the final in 1958, but they lost to Brazil. A less impressive showing than that of the England team in 1966 which actually won the final 4-2 against Germany.
  • The game against England will be a wallet versus country clash for Sven Goran Erikssons. It will also be a tedious 1-1 draw.
  • Sweden will be the blondest team at this year's World Cup
  • Sweden is famed across the globe for its' safe but boring automobiles, smart looking lasses, farmyard pornography, expensive bar prices and high suicide rate.
  • Player to watch - Zlatan Ibrahimovics. Big headed lanky bignose. Capable of scoring wonder goals.

Trinidad & Tobago

  • Qualified by virtue of being the fourth best team in the CONCACAF qualifying group. Dear God.
  • T & T will be popular with journalists the world over as they can simply rehash the patronising shite they wrote about Jamaica at the last World Cup, replacing the word "reggae" with "soca".
  • Scientists have calculated that star striker Dwight Yorkes has shagged more lasses than Darren Days and Peter Stringfellows put together but still trails Rod "the mod" Stewarts by a good way.
  • The Trinidad and Tobago FA have asked the German authorities for permission to import fifty kilos of marijuana for the players to smoke from comedy giant spliffs, while they laze around the hotel pool drinking Lilt, eating Bounty bars and saying "Yes, mon!" in a loud voice.
  • If the team do well there are plans for a rubbish comedy film based on the squad's story. That fat bloke out of "The Full Monty" will play Leo Beenhakker.
  • Player to watch - Shaka Hislop. West Ham netminder Hislop is not just a pretty face, he's a qualified rocket scientist. Although, to be honest, rocket science is hardly brain surgery, is it?

Official World Cup 2006 Epithets

England: Worldbeaters

Paraguay: Flashy

Sweden: Organised

Trinidad & Tobago: Partying

Prediction: England and Sweden, the former all guns blazing with an avalanche of goals from Peter Crouches, the latter sneaking through by gaining a precious point against a weakened England team.

1 comment:

Walter said...

Top Stuff as usual Colonel
Shouldn't this stuff be published ?