Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Mistletoe and Wine

Ho! Ho! Ho!

I am, of course, giving a festive Santa Claus style greeting rather than divulging the contents of Snoop Dogg's christmas present list.

It can barely have escaped your attention that we on the cusp, some say the brink, of the Christmas season. So, a big "Merrizzo to da Chrizzo"* to everyone looking in. Sorry if you were only looking for bukkake-related material but you could really give the old "face like a plasterer's radio" hi-jinks a rest at this time of the year, couldn't you?

Anyway, I can't sit here blathering on about christmas, can I? You are doubtless keen to hear of my latest doings, you shower of slavering prurient voyeurs that you are.

Well, firstly I have been having a shave, a haircut and donning some dapper, well-cut threads and cutting quite the roguish, man-about-town figure if you must know. It recently dawned on me that I had begun to look rather rough around the edges. Raggedy jeans, sagging t-shirts, a floppy, bedraggled mop of hair, that type of thing.

This type of get-up is all well and good when you're a young shaver, all chewing gum and bad attitude, but sits rather less well as the years go by. In short, I have recently realized that I am no longer a teenager. It reflects poorly on me that I am the small matter of twelve years late with this startling insight, but there you go. I never claimed to be perfect. I claimed to be great and/or skill.

So, it has been on with the shaving products, hair oils and natty neckwear and neatly-pressed trousers. The response has been little short of annoyingly patronising.

"You're looking smart today, Colonel. Got your eye on some young filly, have you?"
"After a new job, eh?"
"What are yee dressed as, you big puff?"

That type of thing. Still, you can't let the scorn of fools trouble you. I believe it was Adam Ant who wrote that "ridicule is nothing to be scared of" and they don't come any more level-headed and sagacious than Adam Ant out of Adam and the Ants, do they?

An example of this new-found Jason King-style high rolling was this recent weekend. After a pleasant afternoon watching Premiership soccer via an illegal satellite feed and drinking the local pub dry (not a great feat as the simpleton who owns the place has only a rudimentary grasp on the concept of stock ordering) it was off to the gaudy gin palaces of Morpeth, the place, lore has it, to go for "tidy boilers". Well, I wasn't in the market for heating equipment but I was in the mood for aled-up slavering on.

Imagine my surprise when business ensued and boots got knocked.

In fact, the new-look Colonel has cut quite a swathe through the massed ranks of the local females too. In the last two months alone, I have had "liaisons" with two, count 'em, two ladies. Yes, I am quite the Darren Day, eh, what?

However, we shall draw a veil over such goings-on. The upper echelons of ladies' men, which I'm sure nobody would dispute that I must now be classed in, do not shout their successes from the rooftops. They maintain a discreet silence regarding such matters, holding that it is poor form to be bandying the names of fair ladies all over the place.

Particularly if they have been making the two-backed beast with what must, in all fairness, be described as "hoonds".


To conclude, may you all have a splendid holiday celebration and a prosperous new year where you have better things to do with your spare time than reading the addle-pated ravings of a greasy-haired, lying old fool.

Cheery bye!

*"Merrizzo to da Chrizzo" meaning, as I'm sure you all know, Merry Christmas. It's a kind of urban twist on the old expression. The kind of thing I expect Nate Dogg or DMX might append to their Christmas cards to Dr Dre.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

e-mail of the species

Friends. Having access to the internet and e-mail I'm sure that, like me, you love nothing better than a bit of cut and paste, zany inbox fun.

You know it, I know it, the terrorists know it.

So what I say is "Get lost, terrorists. You won't win this battle, you'll have to kill every man jack (and woman jill) of us before you'll stop us chortling along to hilarious US-spelling-heavy, sub-Letterman lists of rib-tickling joke funnies".

Sentiments I am confident that no right-thinking individual would dispute.

Here are just a few of the latest comedy nuggets that "good laugh" types in offices have forwarded to me. Enjoy.

>Top Ten Things Guys Say About Chicks!
>1. Check out the hooters on that honey!
>2. I'd sure like to pork that hottie
>3. Totally rad nail job!
>4. I bet she really digs guys who are into sports
>5. I fear women
>6. My mom didn't show me enough affection
>7. I bet that bitch's panties would feel really good against my skin
>8. I wish I could watch her bathe
>9. Sometimes I hear voices telling me to stab myself in the eye
>10. Woah, dude! Fine bee-yatch at ten o'clock!
>Top Ten Things Chicks Say About Guys!
>1. Who needs a man when you have a vibro, eh girls? I said vibro, aren't I liberated and cool and shit?
>2. Men, what are they like, eh?
>3. I'd rather go shopping for shoes and drinking expensive coffee than be with a man, right girlfriend?
>4. Put it in me pooper!
>5. Look at that one over there! (Does little finger "small penis" motion)
>6. I only want a man for financial support while I bang all of his friends and every tradesman who comes to our house, which I'll be keeping after the divorce, eh sister?
>7. I like my men like my coffee, skinny frappucinno with a big muffin. Am I right, honey child?
>8. Check out the muscles on that guy, I bet he's a vain, self-obsessed, tantrum throwing 'roid freak. I'd do him
>9. All the best men are gay.
>10. Shit, I'm thirty and I want a baby. Time to hit the vodka and lose the standards
>Top Ten Answers To Women's Questions
>1. Shut up, bitch
>2. Fetch me a beer, woman!
>3. Your ass is fine.
>4. On balance, I feel these shitty list things degrade each sex equally
>5. Gee honey, only swallow it if you feel comfortable with it.
>6. Go Cowboys!
>7. Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre!
>8. I feel you overestimate the importance of the toilet seat within our domestic life
>9. Pump up the jam, pump it up! While your feet are stomping and the jam is pumping
>10. Of course it's alright if your mom comes to stay
>Top Ten Blonde Jokes
>1. Why did the blonde cross the road? Cos she's a stupid bitch
>2. What's the difference between a blonde and a brunette? Their hair colour!
>3. Why did the blonde take a bath? Because William Shatner
>4. What sort of car does a blonde drive? A Honda Stupidbitch
>5. Where do blondes go on vacation? Still No Idea
>6. What do you call a blonde in a university? Boom boom boom, let me hear you say "Way-o"
>7. What is a blonde's favorite film? Trois Couleurs: Bleu
>8. My blonde's got no nose. How does it smell? Like a stupid bitch
>9. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? Sick Squid!
>10. What's blonde, has two legs and is a stupid bitch? A blonde!!!!!!11!!!
>Top Ten Guy Jokes
>1. What do you call a guy that stinks of beer, always farts in bed and can't last longer than two minutes at sex? My husband
>2. Why do guys love beer so much? Because it gives them an excuse to be oafish, misogynistic shits
>3. Why is guy like a dog? They both try to mount you when you're bending over after a shower
>4. Why do guys go for younger women and leave you at home, horny and depressed just because you've put on a few pounds? Anyone know?
>5. What's the difference between a guy and a rugby team? Sarah Greene
>6. What do you call a guy in a dress? And through it aaa-aall she offers me protection, a lot of love and affection
>7. Which is better: a guy or chocolate? Chocolate!!! Lol!
>8. Why are guys such bastards? Eh? Eh?
>9. What do you call a guy shopping with his girl on a saturday? A pussywhipped shell of a man
>10. What do you call a german guy who works in a barbershop? Mein Hair!!!!111!!!
>Top Ten Signs You've Been Online Too Long!
>1. You say "ell oh ell" when a real-life person says something funny
>2. You see a major tragedy on the news and think "I've gotta 'blog about this. People need to know what I think."
>3. You can spot a faked nude shot of Britney Spears at forty paces
>4. You've already been e-mailed this list half a dozen times
>5. Your tiny spunk-smeared member has shrivelled itself stuck to your Simpsons boxer shorts
>6. You have asked members of your family to address you as Portlandguy1976
>7. You watch Family Guy mainly in the hope of scoring a bitchin' signature to use on a messageboard
>8. You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know then to run.
>9. You never count your money when you're sitting at the table, there'll be time enough for counting when the dealing's done.
>10. You like shit like this, you think it's good. And you forward it to all your spoddy friends.
>Top Ten Dumb Things Dubyas Has Said
>1. Look at me, I'm George Bush and I'm a big stupid moron
>2. Let's bomb us some ragheads!
>3. We pray for our unfortunate citizens in New Orleans. We also pray that nothing like this ever happens in a white city.
>4. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Oh, I forgot, yes I did, she's my wife
>5. I've got a monkey's face, me
>6. Screw you Kerry, you long-faced douchebag
>7. I like big butts and I cannot lie
>8. I'm George Bush. I eat babies.
>9. There have been several allegations during this campaign and we know who the alligators are.
>10. Heh heh, blondes are stupid.
>Top Ten Reasons Cats Are Better Than Guys
>1. Aw, aren't they adorable?
>2. Kitty is happy just to "snuggle up" on the sofa
>3. Cats don't pull a mean face when you play your Bon Jovi records
>4. A cat doesn't understand the concept of toothpaste. But if it did, it wouldn't squeeze the tube in the middle.
>5. Back once again with the renegade master, D for Damager, power to the people, y'all.
>6. Cats do their business in their litter tray, not on top of the glass coffee table with your slut of a sister underneath it.
>7. You can get a cat neutered for about $100 if he doesn't behave.
>8. My own sister, can you believe it?
>9. I don't actually like the cat, but it annoys the shit out of hubby. Tee hee!
>10. Yakubu Flymo Frond Tubesteak Hatchet Crunk Jazz Custard Earthling Mitosis Jamboree SKreeeeeeek!
>Top Ten Bumper Stickers
>1. No Fat Chicks!
>2. Don't come a knockin' if you see the van rockin' (I'm murdering a prostitute!!!)
>3. Jesus says "No Gun Control"
>4. Electroclash Sucks!
>5. My mom, my flag, mein herr!
>6. My other bumper sticker is more amusing
>7. Am I bovvered?
>8. A scrub is a guy that thinks he's fly. Also known as a buster
>9. Babyshambles on Board
>10. Divvunt Dunshus... wa Geordies, Man!
>All New Modern Day Ten Commandments
>1. Though shalt not diss The Rock
>2. Though shalt not nag thine husband when he is watching NASCAR racing
>3. Honor thine husband and fetch him a frickin' beer
>4. Thou shalt not jerk thyself off on a webcam and send pictures to a foreign maiden
>5. Always believe in your soul. You've got the power to know, you're indestructible
>6. Thou shalt not compel thine wife to holiday in the West Indies. She must be free to choose to visit of her own accord.
>7. Talk like fucking Yoda, thou must not, else as a spod will thou be known and shun ye will girls
>8. Respect the one true Lord, you will know him by the trail of Miss Worlds and voddy bottles
>9. Honour thy mother and father, you may need them to babysit
>10. No fat maidens!>

OMG, they're funny 'cos they're true. Laters, peoples!!!!!!111!!!