Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Twenty-three, sir?

Following on from the recent controversy surrounding the lyrics to a Prince song from fourteen years ago, I have decided to tackle what I have termed The Prince Twenty-Three Positions In A One-Night Stand Challenge.

As you no doubt recall, in the 1991 chart-topper "Gett Off", Prince promised a young lady that specific number of positions were she to rise to the challenge and come home with him.

Let us see if we can rustle up the same number of dishes in our notional carnal smorgasbord. A relative novice in this type of thing, the author is indebted to his dreadful mates for their invaluable contributions.

1. Missionary
The old favourite, the Queen Mother of sexual positions, if you will.
2. Doggy Style
She likes it because: The different angle of penetration enables the correct regions to be stimulated.
He likes it because: "You can get your shot off even if she's a hoond" (Not my words, a direct quote)
3. Anal
"Up the bum, no harm done" as the old saying has it. In the words of seventies pop combo Racey "Some girls will, some girls won't". Not everyone's cup of tea.
4. Cowgirl
Chap lies on his back, woman on top facing him. You do some work this time, missy!
5. Reverse Cowgirl
As above, but with the lady facing away. Seemingly a position custom designed for couples who don't get on too well and for porn film directors
6. Fellatio
The blowjob, the chewie, the gobble, the gam. The baffling holy grail of sexual relations seems to be the lady who will swallow. Perplexing, since I have always felt that if a lady is so good as to put my little wing-wang in her mouth and play with it until it goes off, then hats off to her, I certainly wouldn't be quibbling as to what she chooses to do with the resulting mess.
7. Cunnilingus
Many older men have traditionally refused to "eat at the Y", perhaps feeling that to "go downtown" was somehow unmasculine and suggested weakness. In these more liberated times, the considerate lover realises that by skilled, expert oral stimulation a woman can be brought to such a heightened state of readiness that she will be quite satisfied with the three-minute rattling that is all you can be bothered with before Match of the Day starts.
8. Sixty-Nine
Simultaneous fellatio and cunnilingus. Watch you don't get shit on your nose!
9. Sixty-Eight
You do me and I'll owe you one. Tiresome joke popular with alehouse lackwits.
10. The Crab
Cunnilingus while "tuning in Radio Luxembourg" on the lady's nipples.
11. Wheelbarrow
Man, standing up, enters woman from behind, holds her up by the thighs and tips grass cuttings on her back.
11. Standing Up
The only foolproof method of contraception, popular with North-East ladies in piss-stinking bus shelters.
12. Standing Up, from behind
Popular with bus shelter couples who are sharing a kebab.
13. Sausage Sandwich
Titwank or diddyride. Not for the flat-chested lady. Ideal for the busty menstruating woman who doesn't do anal or oral yet still wishes to please her man.
14. Spoons
Lying on their side, gent enters lady from behind. Then they fall asleep.
15. Eintracht Frankfurt
German football team. Lost 7-3 to Real Madrid in one of the greatest games ever.
16. Cuddling
Not-really-acceptable-to-him alternative to full sex at the behest of a "tired" or "got a migraine" wife.
17. Putting some manners on her
Full-blooded, enthusiastic lovemaking wherein hen-pecked husband gives it the full feller and shows the wife who is the boss. The effect usually only lasts until she gets her breath back.
18. The Coal Bucket
Petite wife gets in large coal bucket, the handle is brought up and she is wedged securely in place with her undercarriage hanging out the back. She can then be carried around by her husband and enjoyed at his leisure. Possibly apocryphal, this one.
19. Bagpiping
Gentleman somehow has sex with the lady's armpit region. The dorty friggin' porvorts. I think I'm going to vomit.
20. Mein Hair!
Full-on sexual shenanigans with a masochistic female who enjoys having her hair pulled while "on the job". Possibly while Rocco Siffredi is whacking her around the face with his huge member.
21. Unknown Pleasures
Critically-acclaimed debut album by legendary Mancunian miserablists Joy Division.
22. Interfemoral sex
Humping the space between the thighs of an uptight, American college girl in a car. In a slasher movie. Just before you both get killed.
23. Crying/Wanking/Pot Noodle
The best a man can get.

Twenty-three! Giddy up!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!! Cheg on Princes, you can't teach this old soldier a darn thing.

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