I went out the other night to try the craze that is sweeping the nation like a crazed chimney sweep. I refer, not to dogging, but rather to Binge Drinking. I went to my local tavern and asked the landlord for a pint of binge, but he said he didn't have any.
The Colonel is quite the joker, eh? I deliberately mistook the word Binge for a type of drink for comic effect, with hilarious consequences. Dashed amusing stuff.
I hear that the local knocking shop that opened above a pizza shop in town has been forced to close. A poor show, I think. Some enterprising fellow shows a bit of entrepreneurial zeal and combines good 'n' tasty hot food with the opportunity to be fellated or manipulated to issue at reasonable prices and what do the Feds do? They shut him down. Shame on you, the Powers-that-be, this was joined up thinking for a modern age, a one-stop shop for the hungry man of affairs with ants in his pants.
Not that I ever went there, of course. I'm not that keen on pizza.
In other seedy, plague-spot, hellhole closure news, local nightclub The Palace aka Lucy's aka The Domino aka The Ranch, has gone under the wrecker's ball. This once proud lager palace was a place where the local youth would flock to be treated like vermin, but vermin that buy overpriced drinks, and dance to the latest chart-topping sounds. And to attempt to cop off with a motley collection of scratters, milfs, radgeys, jailbait, porkers and hollow-eyed easy lays.
This place was quite the happy hunting ground when, as a beardless youth, I still had the ability to cast a modest spell in a dim light. If all of the ladies from there that I emptied the bins into were laid end-to-end from the front door of the Domino, they would possibly reach as far as Hot Millyuns. If you included the ones who drew the line at tops and fingers, the line would possibly stretch as far as The Clayton.*
The passing of the ranch is a sad loss to the Northumberland social scene and another reminder that we're none of us as young as we used to be, to descend for a moment into the cliche-ridden boobie-babble of the female pensioner.
Anyway, must be off. I hear that a new all-you-can-eat Chinese restaurant that features German pissing lesbian dancers has just opened in town.
Driver, take me to The Golden Shower, please. And pronto, Tonto!
*For the benefit of non-locals, Hot Millyuns is a takeaway directly over the road from the Palace. No hookers here. The Clayton pub is a tiny bit further away.